Do you guys remember those “smart” cock rings that everyone was freaking out about earlier this year and at the end of last year? In case you missed that waves of blog posts in the sex tech world, here’s a recap: in the explosion of smart devices and connected-everythings, a couple of companies came up with cock rings that also acted as sex trackers. For example, the SexFit was one that promised to track calories burned during sex and thrusts per minute, as well as vibrate and connect with social media. (You know, so you could brag to all of your Facebook friends about how thrust-y you were.) Another was Lovely, which will supposedly connect with a very adult app to record your speed, duration, g-force (???) and calories burned as well give you in-app suggestions for sex positions based on your past sexual history.
Sounds… Terrible. Or at least, that’s what I thought. Other bloggers were into it and to each their own, I guess. I just didn’t think that thrusts per minute or g-force were great metrics for good sex and the rest of the features weren’t unique enough to pique my interest.
Well, Engadget’s Christopher Trout reports that, despite the hype, it doesn’t look like we’ll be getting “penis pedometers” (love that term) any time soon, anyway. Trout says that Bondara, the company behind SexFit, found that creating their penis pedometer was “proving expensive and getting the right tech on the device is taking time.” Was that… unexpected? Did they think that creating a penis pedometer would be… Easy?
Despite the setbacks, Bondara is reportedly still planning on launching the SexFit in 2015 but I’m going to double down on my thumbs down with this tone and suggest that they let it be. Trout said it best in his Engadget post: “So 2016 could be the year of the quantified cock. But just because you can doesn’t mean you should and the one thing that neither company is copping to is a lack of consumer interest. The quantified-self movement is already masturbatory enough. Do we really need a device to tell us how to get it on?”
(I had to directly quote that passage. He’s just so on point.)
Trout mentions Eva, the wearable couple’s vibrator, as a possible alternative to this wave of penis pedometers — and Eva is one toy that I’m all about. The difference between the two is that while both the SexFit and Eva are couples toys, Eva is actually worn inside the vulva instead of on the penis. The SexFit and Lovely are glorified cock rings attached to apps, whereas Eva provides hands-free clitoral stimulation during intercourse — and we all know how much women need that.
Look, it’s not that I’m anti-smart sex toys or sex apps or adult apps — of course not! I love the creative ways that we’re integrating technology into our sex lives. However, this iteration of the penis pedometer was a swing and miss. But that doesn’t mean I’m giving up on them just yet because if there’s one thing I’ve learned after years of writing about tech companies and startups, it’s that sometimes it takes a few swings before you get a hit. But guys? Let’s take “g-force” out of our 2016 iterations, okay? Thanks.
Image: Bondara
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